In Understanding the Times Dr. Jimmy Lee relates eight qualities that are necessary for any person to be effective in helping relationships. Over the next few weeks we will address each of these eight qualities one at a time. When used successfully these core conditions can benefit all relationships. These qualities are a process which requires practice.

The first quality is Accurate Empathy:

Dr Jimmy Lee says:

It is important to know the difference between empathy and sympathy. A person with accurate empathy can correctly perceived the feelings of another person without being captured by the victim’s emotions. A person with sympathy actually feels what the victim feels, and this may prevent him from being objective in a healing relationship since he is likely to be caught up in the victim’s emotions.

The key to accurate empathy is understanding the pain while remaining in a neutral position. The helpers’ goal should be able to feel with the hurting person verses feeling what the individual feels. Whenever the helper and the seeker are experiencing the same feeling of pain, the focus may become pity and prevent the helping. Compassion and understanding assist the helper in perceiving the other person’s feelings and experiences accurately.

It is true that a former addict can relate to a person caught in the web of an addiction. With accurate empathy, however, a person who has not experienced the same hurts can also be effective.

As Teen Challenge staff we all bring different personalities and gifts to the ministry, and that’s good because we need all the gifts at work to provide a balanced healthy ministry. But I have noticed that we can tend to extremes with empathy. Some become too entangled emotionally with the students. “Feeling what the individual feels”, can result in significant problems. The staff member can begin to show favoritism, spending too much time with one student, making excuses for negative behavior, and defending them.

The other extreme is to show no concern at all. This is probably the overriding tendency with the men’s center staff (or with any staff who has become burned out). The maleness wants to say – “stop whining and get over it!” And there may be a time that such a response becomes necessary – say after hearing the same “poor me” story for the 25th time. However, to show no empathy fails to connect with the student or to create a healing environment.

Think about it –

• Those are the extremes. Where would you rate your Accurate Empathy?
• Take time to listen – really listen – and respond with accurate empathy and prayer.