The ability to deal with conflict and confrontation with skill and grace is one of the most important skills to learn. As we mentioned previously when we discussed the consequences, it is the primary reason that people leave the ministry – or any job for that matter. By the way we handle conflict we either destroy or buildup relationships. Learning how to deal with conflict is a key to your survival and growth in the ministry. Conflict is a part of life. It is important to deal with conflict in a biblical Christ-like manner WHEN it arises with or between students and within the staff team. What the students see us do is what we are telling them is the right thing to do.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”  Colossians 3: 12-14

Most of us recognize very quickly when we see conflict handled in an improper manner. It is important to identify the basic categories of conflict resolution styles and where we fit in. WE must recognize healthy skills. We can grow and develop our skills.

Typical Conflict Resolution Styles

Avoidance
Low Goals – Low Relationship

This is a lose-lose strategy. When one person avoids a conflict, either person has an opportunity to resolve it. Both people lose.

Accommodation
High Relationship – Low Goals

This is a lose-win strategy. Accommodation is agreement through yielding or conforming to the positions of others; cooperation in an effort to create harmony, even at the expense of your own ideas and values; agreement in the name of peace and tranquility, knowing full well that you don’t entirely buy into it.  People who accommodate may not always be famous for their creativity, but can often be relied upon for social tact and diplomacy.

You “lose” because your needs aren’t met. The other person’s needs are met.

When this is not done as an act of humility and character the relationship suffers. You can become resentful when it is done with wrong motives and anger. – AND there was no opportunity to develop a better solution. Sometimes we must accommodate for the sake of unity of the ministry – only after collaboration.

Compromise
Moderate

This is a lose-lose strategy. Compromise involves a search for a solution, which is mutually acceptable.

Compromise involves two or more parties coming together and “meeting in the middle.” With compromise, there will be give and take to get to middle ground. Everybody wins something, but does not get everything. Compromise may be one of the best ways of dealing with conflict when time is short, or when total agreement is impossible. Good chances are, you will end up addressing the same issues later.

Competition
Low Relationship – High Goals

This is a win-lose/lose-win strategy. Either you win and the other person loses, or you lose and the other person wins.

This is the offensive aggressive approach to conflict resolution. It is especially attractive to those in power and authority who like to “get things done” and “win.”

In a competitive situation, there is little listening, little information sharing, and little interpersonal reasoning.  Leaders who fall into this area often make decisions without any input from others.  The results are often negative. It’s the survival of the fittest. But conflicts are not contests, and this style precludes the possibility of finding a fair solution.

Collaboration
High Goals –High Relationship

This is a win-win strategy. Collaboration is a team approach to conflict resolution. All involved have the chance to express their needs and resolve the conflict in a mutually acceptable way. While this strategy may sound simple, it’s actually the most difficult to use because it takes purposeful work.

Collaboration:

1. accepts the fact that there is conflict,
2. takes time for sharing of values, needs, interests, and resources,
3. discovers many possible solutions and weighs the consequences of each,
4. selects the alternative that best meets the needs and concerns of each member, and
5. forms and implements a plan, and evaluates the outcomes.

Collaboration takes more time and requires higher levels of commitment than other approaches to disagreement, but it generates the most creative solutions, it gets the greatest support and it produces the greatest amount of personal growth.

These are the five collaboration styles. As a TC staff member you will need to use each of these at various times, depending on the situation and the people involved. It takes purposeful attention to work through conflict. It is essential that students observe, and learn healthy conflict resolution.

Think about it

• Where do you place your conflict resolution style at on this diagram?
• Where do your friends and coworkers place you on this diagram?
• What is your reaction to other’s conflict resolution styles?
• What should be the target conflict resolution style for all of us?
• What is one step you can take to be more collaborative?

Understanding your normal conflict resolution style will help you in understanding your interactions with your students and help you see where you can set goals to grow in collaboration skills.