This is the fourth and final article in the series on Dealing with Disrespect.

Click here for the first article in this series: Root Causes of Disrespect
Click here for the second article in this series: Expressions of Disrespect
Click here for the third article in this series: Disrespect Prevention

Responding to disrespect in a healthy manner is a challenge that all TC staff members face in one way or another. You will face disrespect and defiance. Don’t wait until it happens to figure out how you will handle it.

1.  Own your own disrespect. If you have not been respectful admit it, accept it, and apologize. Make speaking with respect a core character value.
2.  Clearly state your position. If you have not been addressing disrespect with students up to this point and have allowed a student to get by with disrespect, admit it, accept it and apologize, letting them know that you will be addressing it from this point forward.
3.  Plan and Practice your initial response. Write out your plan. Role-play different scenarios in your mind or with other staff members. This way you are not reacting but rather you are choosing you actions. Meaning, you have made a conscious choice about how you will handle a situation before it even happens. This is how soldiers, pilots, police officers, firemen and many others train. Repetitive training makes it first nature; a natural response rather than a knee-jerk response – which we most often regret.

Remember, this is a teachable moment. When a disagreement or confrontation arises, you are modeling for the student how to deal with it in a dignified manner and maintain your integrity and the integrity of the ministry.

Here are a few ideas to consider when planning how you will initially respond:

• Disrespect should not be ignored. The longer a staff waits to address disrespect, the more entrenched the problem becomes, especially if the student finds they can gain some ground or get their way by exhibiting disrespect.
• Remove any argument from the crowd. Most often it is better not to engage a student in front of fellow students. If they feel embarrassed in public they may become more defiant in an attempt to save face in front of their peers. Confrontation in public sends a message that you don’t care for the student’s feelings, and could potentially escalate the situation.
• Establish eye contact. Firm, not angry.
• Stay calm. Don’t let the student exasperate you. Keep your composure. Remember you are modeling for the student the proper way to handle conflict. You need to be a role model for students and show how to properly deal with an argument. Stop and take a deep breath and continue calmly with what you want to say. Remember they are looking for an opportunity to create chaos and your angry, negative response is stepping right into their trap. They win.

When you become angry and lose your composure you end up saying things you regret and need to apologize for.

• Do not approach the student in an aggressive manner with an angry glare and pointing finger.
• Start with a firm but polite warning.
• Clearly label disrespectful behavior. Point out and explain the unacceptable behavior. This will help students know when they have crossed the line and hopefully learn not to cross it again. There will be students who do not fully realize how they are coming across.
• Focus on the behavior, not the person. Avoid comments about personality or character. Address the specific behavior.
• Using “I” statements, let the student know how the behavior made you feel. “I felt…when you said…” “I felt disrespected when you said…”
• Use “do” rather than “don’t” statements. Examples:
  • (Do) talk in conversational tones when you address authority. (Rather than, “Don’t yell at me.”)
  • (Do) ask for permission when you want to do something. (Rather than, “Don’t tell me what you are going to do.”)

This gives the student a positive action to take and instruct them in the proper behavior. Rather than just informing them what not to do, they now have a positive alternative.

• Give the student the opportunity to replace negative behavior with positive choices.
• If necessary, allow a student some space.
• Later, discuss the incident with the student quietly, calmly, and privately.
• Clearly state the consequences for future disrespect. Do not be over burdensome with consequences.

Use the remaining information in this article along with your own ideas to plan and practice your controlled planned response to disrespect.

4.  Address disrespectful behavior consistently. Developing and rehearsing an initial response plan will develop consistency.
5.  Know the rules. Centers have specific policies regarding student behavior. Know the policies your ministry has enacted to keep you and your students safe. Maintaining a log to document negative behaviors will help the staff and students see unhealthy patterns. You can use the myTeenChallenge.com journal for this purpose.
6.  Don’t take it personal. Their expression of disrespect is about them, NOT you, EVEN IF it is directed at you. Their actions are their own responsibility. If we take comments personally we will be defensive and reactive and quickly lose control, giving them exactly what they hoped for!

As an example: I know there have been times I had negative attitudes and feelings going on inside of me, when someone would make a comment or do something that I reacted to in a bad way. The problem was what was already going on inside of me, not their behavior or comments. My comment was not personal even though I may have meant it personal at the time.

I’m NOT saying that is an excuse for bad behavior. I must take 100% responsibility for my actions because they are not reactions but actions that I have chosen to take, That is a key lesson that students must learn. But, I digress…

7.  Never get into a power struggle or shouting match. Don’t argue. You are the more mature Christian and know better. If the conversation feels like it is slipping toward a power struggle, find a way to change the course, even if it means stepping back for a time to regroup. This will demonstrate to the student that whatever they hoped to accomplish by being disrespectful or yelling is off the table until they speak with respect. This sends a clear message that disrespect doesn’t work and won’t be tolerated 
8.  Remove the argument from the crowd. Never engage a student in front of other students. It embarrasses the student in public, sends a message that you don’t care for the student’s feelings, and could potentially escalate the situation. If possible, go for a walk apart from the other students.
9.  Don’t attempt to add a quick jab at the end. Fighting for the last word in an argument only prolongs the argument and adds fuel to the fire.

10. Avoid lecturing, nagging, sarcasm. They don’t work.

11. Don’t try to bring it to a quick end without dealing with the issue. In the press for time we often want to jump to an authoritative declaration to end it quickly and move on. Try to understand where the student is coming from and help them understand the issues they need to deal with.

12. Don’t use language that puts the student on the defensive. It is much better to focus on what you don’t understand by using “I” statements and “feeling” statements rather than, “you” statements. This will allow the student to explain instead of argue their point. It also allows the student to understand that the teacher isn’t trying to pin them into a corner or assess blame, but rather understand the student’s actions.

13. Ask open ended questions. Good questions will help the student understand the source of their negative attitude and behavior for themselves.

14. Examine Biblical truth with the student regarding the specific issues that need to be addressed.

15. Accept that changing negative behavior takes considerable time and effort, so be patient with behavioral changes in disrespectful students. Although some changes can take place quickly, most take time. (Don’t think so? Take a look at your own life.) Also, accept that the commitment of this time and effort is a worthwhile endeavor. Helping a student to dispel disrespectful behaviors is a slow progress, but you will be giving the student a life-lesson that no one has had the courage or strength to teach before.

16. Stay the course and rebuild the trust. Students become loyal to persons that treat them with respect, even when they may not deserve it. Remember you are helping them unlearn negative relational attitudes and patterns of behavior that are entrenched in their minds by their home environment and the false belief that they are handling things correctly.

17. Involve other staff members. The best ideas for dealing with particular issues will come from presenting the needs of a specific student to a few other staff for discussion, ideas and tem planning.

18. Leave room for the Holy Spirit. This one should be first but I have left it for last so that hopefully it will be remembered above all others. As we pray and remain sensitive to the Holy Spirit, He works in the student’s heart and mind and gives us insight and creativity that we would not have otherwise had.

Defiant students may attempt to escalate a situation for many different reasons, as mentioned in previous articles. Often they are not afraid of conflict and escalating matters to the point of conflict will ultimately cost you far more dearly than it will them. Often, they don’t mind punishment. Some students don’t want to be there and would be happy if you kicked them out. The situation is win-win for them. They break the rules and get kicked out. They are happy on both counts. And to top it off, they showed your weakness by getting you angry. Disruptive students will look for any opening to create chaos. SO, be ready. Be on your guard. Plan. Practice.

Now, set aside time to write out and plan your response to disrespect. Role-play your plan in your own mind or with another staff – possibly thinking of a student that you have had or are having problems with now.