This is the last in a 5 part series on Conflict Resolution.
Coming from dysfunctional backgrounds most of our students have no idea what healthy conflict resolution looks like. Conflict can be an excuse for relapse and as such conflict resolution is a vital skill to impart to them.
As discussed in the previous newsletter the conflict resolution style we should strive for in most situations is collaboration, that is, working together to solve the problem. When we can learn to collaborate we will improve our personal lives and our ministry because the answers we develop are most often an improvement on the status quo. And most importantly we model and teach our students what healthy conflict resolution looks like.
Think of conflict as an opportunity. An opportunity for personal growth for you and all others involved. It is an opportunity for creative solutions.
The most important conflict resolution skill is listening. If you can develop good listening skills you are over half way to being able to resolve conflict. When we listen intently we gain clarity and communicate compassion.
Here are key skills of listening as presented by Ken Sande in the The Peace Maker:
– Wait patiently while the other person talks
- Don’t jump to conclusions
- Don’t interrupt
- Be comfortable with silence
– Keep your mind fully present and concentrating
- Regular eye contact
- No electronics or other distractions!
- Positive body language
– Clarify
- Ask questions to gain clarity – open ended questions not questions that can be answered with a “yes” or ‘no”
– Summarize
- Repeat back what you hear them saying
- Allow them to clarify if necessary
- Be sincere
- Doesn’t mean you have to agree with what they are saying
– Agreeing
- Listen for truth
- Acknowledge what you know is true before going to points of disagreement
- Confess where you see you were wrong
Developing listening skills alone will help resolve many conflicts. See The Peace Maker for more information on listening skills.
The Peace Maker also includes a tool for problem solving. PAUSE – an acronym for the primary problem solving skills that can be easily remember:
Prepare
Affirm Relationships
Understand Interests
Search for Creative Solutions
Evaluate Options objectively and reasonably
This is only one tool. There are others. The key is to develop a list of competencies you need to develop and begin to put them into practice. You will benefit in your personal relationships and ministry and the students will begin to see a positive role model worth emulating.
Conflict Prevention Idea
I would like to present a simple tool to prevent some potential conflicts: Written PolicyI am a fan of written policy. I believe it can prevent conflict in a lot of situations. If there was a problem my staff team would collaborate and construct a solution. I sent out a memo that clearly stated the resulting policy or procedure. That memo became policy and was placed either in the staff policy manual or in the student handbook – whichever was appropriate.
NO memos, signs or posters on the wall! I am always bothered when I walk in a center and see rules and policies posted on the walls, “Don’t do this. No student admittance….” etc. I think it sends the wrong message to students and visitors. Come up with other creative ways to communicate and reinforce policies and procedure. Review them often if you need to but avoid the walls! OK, I’ll get off my soap box!
When an issue arises you can say, “See, here it is in the policy manual.”
The policy may need explaining and justification on my part, or it may need debate in a staff meeting. In closed staff meetings I was open to discussing the policies and letting them evolve to meet the current needs and conditions.
